Not Quite 18 months

Well, it hasn't been 18 months since I lost my mom...you know how people say it seems like yesterday? Well, let me tell you...it DOES NOT seem like just yesterday she was with me. It seems like forever since she was with me. Every day I'm amazed that I've made it without her.

Last night, I was thinking about other people affected by her absence. They miss her too. Each with their own reasons. I don't know how to describe my thoughts on this. But was just last night when I was thinking of those moments, those people that were with us for however long...I keep reliving some of the events that happened in her final days or weeks. I don't know why, but for some reason, I'm so afraid of forgetting the details. My mind just can't keep up with details like my mom could. It always bothers me, I try to let go and live in the moment, remember the good things, but for some reason, I feel the need to hang on to these details.

For so many of those that really helped me/us through those last few weeks, it must have been shocking for them too. Some older than my mom, some sicker, some life long friends that just couldn't imagine why she didn't get that organ she needed. Some fighting their own ailments, asking why her, why not me? Some that still maybe trying to answer those questions. I still don't know why she had to get sick, why she had to go. I really try to be thankful that God tried to prepare me. Honestly, if God never walks with me again, I know he was with me often in the last years of my mom's life. Unfortunately, He was guiding me for things I did not want. But knowing what was to happen was better than not knowing, not being "prepared". (Not that anyone is ever really prepared.)

I'm still so thankful of those that kept us uplifted by helping or praying. There is no doubt we had many people getting us through those times...over the past 2 years. I just can't believe that it's been so long. I can't believe how much life goes on, how quickly it passes.

Not quite 18 months...the second year isn't as hard to get thru as the first was. But there's still a very big hole in my heart, a deep chunk not repaired in the last 18 months...